Writer Turning Pages

9 Must Follow Manuscript Rules

2010-10-04T15:50:00.000-04:00

I just read this article by Anica Mrose Rissi on Writer's Digest and I wanted to post this here as a reminder to myself as I'm working on my new project.

1. Revise, revise, revise! I don’t want to read your first draft, ever. (Tip: Your novel isn’t ready to send to me until you can describe it in one sentence.) I'm still working on my first draft, I'll come back to this one!

2. Start with conflict and tension to raise questions, arouse curiosity and (like musical dissonance) create the need for resolution. I think my current project opens right up in the middle of chaos and conflict. The rest of the novel answers the questions raised in the beginning. I think this is an important rule that must must must be followed.

3. Start with the story you’re telling, not with the backstory. Throw the reader directly into a conflict and let her get to know your characters through their actions. (Yes, this is another way of saying, “Show, don’t tell.”) I already have some editing and revision to do on this one. Went back and reread my first chapter (big no-no!) and I realized that much of it was back story that even I got bored reading.

4. Give the reader something to wonder about and a sense of where the story is going—of what’s at stake. I am hoping that this comes across in my project. I have always been a fan of mysteries and felt like that type of writing was the only type that warranted this rule. I was dead wrong. Wonder is what makes the reader keep reading.

5. Avoid explaining too much too soon. And, don’t be obvious. Trust your readers. Trust your characters. Trust your writing. If you find that chunks of your story need to include long explanations, go back in and write those chunks better, until the story explains itself. Again, this describes my first chapter to a T. It's in need of much revision.

6. Make sure your story has both a plot arc and an emotional arc. Cross internal conflict with external conflict. Give your characters moral dilemmas, and force them to deal with the consequences of their choices. This has always been the most important part of a manuscript to me. The emotional and the plot arc is what gives the novel depth. This rule should be number 1.

7. Read your dialogue out loud. When revising, ask yourself, “What is the point of this dialogue?” (Just as you should be asking, “What is the point of this sentence? What is the point of this scene?”) I never do this. Maybe I should start.

8. Use adjectives, adverbs and dialogue tags only sparingly. (See “trust your readers,” above.) Hmm...this is something I find difficult. I assign a dialogue tag to EVERYTHING. I noticed this recently and tried to limit the tags, however, it caused my right eye to twitch. This will have to be something that is edited out as assigning dialogue tags are second nature for me.

9. Make sure your details matter. I think this is a great rule. I've often reread things I have written and wondered what the significance of certain things are and to my chagrin, I realize, THEY HAVE NO PURPOSE.

Writing Tip - Works for me

2010-08-09T11:49:00.000-04:00

Awhile ago, I read on Aliya S. King's blog a tip to get past writers block. The tip was to pick a song and play it on repeat over and over until it blends in with the back ground.

I have no idea why this works but it did in fact work for me.

The song I chose was Ne-Yo's "Never Knew I needed," from the Princess and the Frog. I play it every time I go to write on this particular project and never fail (so far), it gets my juices flowing.

I just really hope that I finish sooner rather than later. This song is on my nerves...

Lost it all

2010-07-29T10:40:00.000-04:00

Shortly after my last post I decided that I was no longer going to let fear hold me captive. I was going to start writing again with the end goal in mind and I was going to start right now.

I took my trusty flash drive with almost everything I had ever written on it and stuck it in my computer, putting on my back ground music for inspiration.

And nothing.

Every single file on my flash drive was gone. In fact, it would freeze up my computer and reboot it. I tried it on a different computer. Same thing. Tried to retrieve the documents with out any success.

It's all gone. Everything from 2008 to now. Gone. As if it never existed.

Fear

2010-07-29T09:26:00.000-04:00

I know its irrational.

But I can't stop my brain from freezing in the midst of a brilliant (at least to me) burst of creative energy that has brought forth a story in its entirety and laid it directly on my lap.

The only thing I can think of that's causing me such anxiety over writing this story is fear. And it makes absolutely no sense.

This is what I want. This is what I do. But I'm stunted in what I can only describe as a self induced writing coma. I can't shake this feeling that I can't do it.

I'm intimidated by other's success even though I'm so happy to see them achieve their dreams and their goals. But I cannot see myself in their place. I can't see myself holding my published work up proudly.

Self sabotage is something that I'm totally familiar with. I'd rather not that risk failure.

It makes no sense and I want to beat myself up. But that is pointless too.

Out of Steam

2010-05-24T10:40:00.000-04:00

It seems that I have run out of steam for my current WIP. I reached a place of what happens next and have not been able to figure out what happens next.

It has been frustrating to say the least and I hope that some mojo returns to me soon.

When this happens, I usually beef up my reading and do alot of reading on the craft. I've been reading a ton but nothing about the craft.

I know I need to push through this time period and just sit down some where and plot through this period.

Wish me luck!

Slow and steady wins the race

2010-04-22T11:35:00.001-04:00

At least that's what I keep telling myself about my WIP.

I haven't had much time to work on it between working full time, being a mother to two toddlers and being a wife and all the things that those three duties entail.

I marvel at women who can do all those things and still make time for themselves. When I'm done with all my normal day to day things, I just want to sleep.

Last night I fell into my pillow at 9:30. And I will not feel guilty for that. Even though I know that I could have spent an extra hour working on my WIP.

I steal moments here and there to work on my WIP. At work when things slow down or at night when the girls are in the tub (that way they're trapped :) or on my train ride home. But those moments are few and far between which means that in the last few months my novel has only increased by a few thousand words.

As of today I am at 17, 414 into my second draft. I have a cut a ton from my original version, but have added a lot of quality scenes that I think make the manuscript much stronger. I have a long road a head of me with my WIP, but I'm pretty convinced that if I take my time and do it right, my manuscript will be the better for it.

nothing to do with writing

2010-04-15T12:58:00.002-04:00

But I love this quote:

finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. tomorrow is a new day. you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. --emerson

Rules are meant to be broken

2010-04-15T12:10:00.000-04:00

Last week I finished Stephen King's On Writing, which was excellent. In one of his chapters on the craft, he talked about how as a writer you shouldn't reread your first draft before you're finished, only what is needed to start back writing after a break and that you shouldn't let any eyes see the very first draft.

Today, I broke both of those rules.

Well, technically, I only broke one. My current WIP isn't my very first draft. It's my second. But I did promise myself that I wouldn't let anyone read it until I was finished.

But I was stuck. And when I'm stuck I need help. So I sent the part I was stuck in off to my best friend for her honest opinion.

I haven't heard back from her yet but something amazing happened to me as I reread the section I was sending her. It was pretty darn good.

All my worries went out the window. Of course it needs some minor work but overall, I got what I was trying to get at when writing.

So I respect SK alot, but for me, my brain was stuck on this section. By not rereading it, I hadn't discovered that I had done what I set out to do. Now my brain is free to move on to the next section.

I'm a rule breaker and this time I'm extremely proud of it!

Lost Scenes

2010-04-07T09:49:00.000-04:00

I wonder if this happens only to me.

I write a scene that I envision happening later on in my novel. I email it to myself, I type it up on my blackberry, I handwrite it and stick it in a notebook and forget about it.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon one such scene and was blown away. I remember writing it but I had completely forgotten about it. The scene was one that throws my novel into a whole other direction than I had originally wrote in the first draft.

I was so excited to find this scene. It got me so excited to finish up the current scenes I'm working on so I can delve into the twist that I created weeks back.

BORING

2010-04-06T10:55:00.000-04:00

I just read a really great post over at Submersible Muse about how running into the issue of having a boring character.

As soon as I read that, a light blub went on in my head.

No wonder I have been stalled in my WIP, my main character is B.O.R.I.N.G.

But that got me to thinking about what really makes a character interesting? To answer that question, I had to first think about what types of characters I like to read about and the answer came really clear to me.

I like characters who are flawed, real, who are shaken to the core by some event and come through it for the better or for the worse (depending on the story). I like characters who have tenacity and are relatable. I like characters who hold nothing back (because this is the opposite of me).

There are certain points in my story where my character is insanely real (like in the room with me real) and those are the moments when I feel like she is coming across the way I see her in my head. Other times, she's flat. She's just a make believe person with no real history, life, emotions.

But something Submersible Muse mentioned that she learned from Donald Maas, got me thinking about how to achieve the non-boring character. Go in the opposite direction of the obvious.

Duh! Why didn't I think of this. Such an easy solution to a problem I didn't even realize was plaguing my WIP.

At the top of their lungs

2010-03-30T11:13:00.000-04:00

My characters are screaming. At the top of their lungs.

The ideas are coming so fast and furious my poor little brain cannot keep up. I've written a subpar summary of the ideas that were thrust into my lap by my characters but I'm afraid I will leave something important out.

I'm sure the characters will remind me when the time comes.

I love when this happens. When the characters take over and I'm no longer in the driver's seat, but I become more of a vessel through which the story is being told. As if I'm the observer and none of this is really coming from me at all.

I've read back on things I wrote years ago and in my head I was thinking, I wrote this??? I couldn't even remember writing it. And it was good. It was inspired. It was magical.

That's how I feel right now. There is pixie dust floating around my head as I transcribe the story of my characters.

I so love when this happens.

Pro Procrastinator

2010-03-24T15:53:00.000-04:00

I'm a pro at procrastinating when it comes to writing my novel.

But the thing about that procrastination is that I trick myself into actually thinking that I am working on my novel.

For instance, researching literary agents and publishing houses. That's valuable information I'll be able to use later on right? Right, but it doesn't write my novel for me.

I can also spend hours reading articles and blogs about the writing craft and other's personal journeys into becoming published authors. Valuable, no? Certainly, but that doesn't write my novel for me either.

I may be garnering valuable information but I'm not actually making any progress. I realized this about myself today. And there is a reason for this -- though I am still working on figuring out what that reason is. But for whatever reason, I'm extremely emotionally connected to this story and at times I feel like I'm not doing my main character any justice. I'm not telling her story the way she brought it to me. I don't want to let her down.

Bizarre? Yes and no. Writing a novel (or really anything for that matter) is like leaving a little piece of yourself on paper.

I've been working on my novel since June of 2008 and I'd like to finish it this year. I'm recognizing that my ~~research~~ procrastination is really hindering that goal.

Names are important

2010-03-23T11:38:00.000-04:00

I feel really good about the progress I'm making in my WIP.

I realized something major as I was going through my WIP -- I don't know my character's full names. There are minor characters that have last names that don't matter, but there are some that are mentioned from time to time. I found myself going back through my WIP, searching for names and that was a total waste of time. I had to do something about that.

I made a table and listed all my characters (major & minor) and wrote down their names. I hate to admit, but of the 20 or so major and minor characters I listed, only two of them had full names, and my main character wasn't one of them! Imagine that!

I realized that these types of details are the things that trip me up when I'm writing. Something as small as a name doesn't allow me to fully know my character. Last names really define a character as it gives clues to their backgrounds and shows the connection between family members or (in the case of 3 of my characters), the lack of familial connection.

I also slipped in a short description of all the characters that were in my first draft. I'm fairly certain that not all of them will make them into this rewrite, and that I will be adding new characters that will be created in the process. But what makes me happy, is that I have somewhere to list them and to refer to them as much as I need to.

They would call a person like me a "pantser" (which is a term I hate with a passion), but I am seeing the importance of keeping track of details. There is nothing more that I hate when reading than inconsistency. I can't do the very thing I hate!

So even if I am a "pantser," that doesn't mean that I have to live up to that ~~horrible~~ title.

On a roll

2010-03-19T14:05:00.000-04:00

I have been making progress. That feels so good to say. I have officially stopped thinking and have moved on to action!

Yesterday I wrote 1,727 words on my WIP and a short story that still needs serious editing.

I'm feeling like this thing may just get done after all. I've checked out Stephen King's book On Writing from the library and plan on digging into that this weekend and maybe garner some nuggets of wisdom that will get me to the finish line.

Hopefully this weekend will produce some additional progress on my WIP.

I like this

2010-03-17T13:44:00.001-04:00

"To achieve, you need thought. You have to know what you are doing and that's real power."

- Ayn Rand

And not just because I like to think...

Knots in my belly

2010-03-16T13:48:00.000-04:00

Every time I think about my novel I get major knots in my belly.

I'm not sure what all this nervousness is about. But this is how I feel right before I do something amazing. Really.

I used to run track in highschool and before every race I would get nervous and get knots in my belly. I always won those races.

So if these knots are a sign of the greatness to come then bring on the knots. I also get knots in my belly when I think about finishing my grad school application!

This week I plan to focus on the next few scenes in my WIP. My train ride home everyday has proved very productive for me. I sit down and bang out whole scenes on my blackberry. I have done that two days in a row so far.

I plotted out the beginning of my novel in excruciating detail but neglected to do so for the middle and end, so I will be taking a minor break to figure out my next destination in my novel.

In other news, I finished the Jennifer Weiner novel and am now working on of Bees and Mist by Eric Setiawan, which is not my normal cup of tea so I'm having a hard time really getting into it.

Very small update

2010-03-10T14:59:00.000-05:00

Today I wrote 465 words on my WIP. Plan on writing more today.

I finished Before I Forget by Leonard Pitts and Black Water Rising by Attica Locke. Now I'm working on In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner. And I must say, because of Jennifer Weiner, my opinion on chicklit really is changing.

Off to write more words...

Rambling On Writing

2010-03-03T11:36:00.000-05:00

I have spent far too much time thinking and not enough time writing.

Yesterday I wrote 286 words that may be chopped later. I actually wrote more but I chopped those words right away.

Perfection is overrated. Way overrated. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

It won't get finished if I don't start writing. I'm reminding myself of that too.

My characters have gone on break. I'm trying to get them to come back alive in my head but they are stubborn. I will write until they come back to life.

I'm determined to finish this novel in 2010. I have been reading lots of practical writing advice (which I will share later) that is helping me to put my story into focus.

I have had no new ideas in weeks which is strange. I always have new ideas. This tells me something is off. I have been unable to focus and this worries me.

Thinking is fine. Doing is better.

"Never be afraid to sit awhile and think."

2010-02-25T09:25:00.000-05:00

"Never be afraid to sit awhile and think."

- Lorraine Hansberry

I love this quote because it gives me permission to stop and let my thoughts have their way for awhile. I'm often afraid of "marinating" in my own thoughts too long. Always terrified that they will lead to self-doubt and insecurities.

What I am realizing now is that sometimes I need to just stop. I need to be still. I need to listen to what the voices in my head {they are all my voice by the way...} are telling me AND actually listen.

I have been sitting on my WIP for awhile {dashing the hopes of a March 18th completetion} and listening to what it's been saying to me. I sent it to a friend for feedback and she pointed out a lot of things that I hadn't even realized were stumbling blocks in the manuscript.

That allowed me to clear those things up and right now I'm sitting awhile and thinking about the next scenes. It's all coming together. Inspiration struck and I wrote an entire scene on my Blackberry while riding the train home yesterday. All because I sat awhile and thought about it.

This is really good advice, not only for writing but in life.

Not Good

2010-02-23T14:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I found this website:

http://www.authonomy.com/

It's from HarperCollins and basically unpublished authors post a few chapters from their books and people read them and "back" them. At the end of a designated time period the most popular books are read by the editor's at HarperCollins with the possibility of publication.

It's great because even if it doesn't get chosen, it's a great way to get your work out there and get a following.

So why not good?

Because I have been spending huge amounts of time reading the books of other people when I need to write my own! And I have a horrible habit of comparing myself and thinking that my writing is sub-par when I read other brilliant work.

I have to stop that. I know.

But this website is great. It's a really good idea and I look forward to posting the first few chapters of my book one day soon...

Interesting Editing Article

2010-02-22T09:10:00.000-05:00

I came across this article by James Plath about things to consider when editing, rewriting, or reevaluating a rejected manuscript.

There are a ton of things on this list that I haven't paid much attention to. Glad I found this now as I'm rewriting my WIP.

http://writersdigest.com/article/21_Tips_to_Get_Out_of_the_Slush_Pile

Sometimes Progress is Hard to See

2010-02-19T15:20:00.000-05:00

I can't always see when I'm making progress on my WIPs. I'm one of those people who can't see the forest for the trees.

Really. I am.

I sent my critique buddy {who also happens to be my best friend} the first few chapters of my WIP to get her thoughts on the direction. In revising, I realized that my manuscript is headed in a totally different direction. The skeleton is still the same but it's pretty much going through some heavy duty plastic surgery right now.

But what I realized was that I have really made tremendous progress on this second draft. In my first draft, the first few chapters only added up to a little over 3,000 words. As I looked at the second draft, I realized that I have expanded those 3,000 words to almost 10,000 words.

And it's really not about words, but I also feel like there is continuity between the chapters whereas before it seemed a tad disjointed. {tad = majorly}

I'm just really excited that I am finally seeing the progress instead of trapping myself into the document and not being able to see that the changes that I am making are actually paying off.

I printed off the entire part one of my WIP and hopefully I will have time to work on it this weekend. I'm really excited to expand what I've begun.

Short Story - Correcting

2010-02-18T17:08:00.002-05:00

She felt in the way that she felt a headache coming on. It started off dull and right behind her eyes, warning her that the real pain was sure to follow. It didn’t start out with that blinding pain, that doubled over, nauseous pain, though she knew that kind of pain was next. It was just a pang. She felt the pang and it didn’t startle her because of the gradual onslaught of it.

It was like a slap that she saw coming. It didn’t hurt as bad because she had been prepared for the slap. It didn’t and couldn’t shock her. The pain pulsated through her, refusing to move from dull, where it hovered, teasing her.

And when she bent over to put the last pink onesie into the box, it hit her. It plowed into her, crushing her lungs and blurring her eyes. The pain didn’t hit her head, it hit her heart. The sobs followed, her tears turning the soft pink of the onesie a hot pink. She clutched it to her chest, the emptiness of the onesie, matching the emptiness she felt in her heart. Her womb.

It had been her choice. One she made by herself. She the only one that would have to deal with the pain of it. Her husband had been a part of it, sure, but he, in the end, had no say.

The kid was retarded. Down’s Syndrome is what the doctor said. It had all the traits. It was because she was old. 36. She’d wanted to wait. Her PhD, couldn’t wait. A kid could. Then after the PhD, she had to focus on getting to the top. A baby would have interfered, slowed her down. So at 36, finally, when she was finally ready, the kid was retarded. She had never failed at anything in life, so how could she make a retarded baby?

It had been her choice to end the pregnancy. She couldn’t dwell on whether or not she had made the right decision. Her life, up until the point the doctor showed her the test results, had been perfect. She had no reason to think her pregnancy and resulting baby would be anything less. But that test. That test that the doctor insisted she take because of her age had melted any expectation she had of perfect. The baby, the baby with Down’s Syndrome, might never be independent. Might never learn to tie a shoe or speak in complete comprehensible sentences. Sure there were plenty of people with Down’s Syndrome that functioned fine, but that was no guarantee that her baby would.

The baby, a girl, already named Hannah, would never be accepted. Would never walk down the street without stares following her every move. She would never be able to blend into the background, as she wouldn’t match the background. She would have always stood out. Would have always been an outcast.

So, no, while the pain wasn’t a shock, it still made her second guess that decision to lay on the table and listen to the baby, a baby she had made, be sucked out of her womb. She listened to her husband, seated in the red plastic chair, try to hold in his tears, his chocking audible, even over the noise of the machine. But she hadn’t cried. She had willed herself to hold in any emotion connected with Hannah. She didn’t settle for less than perfect. And Hannah was flawed.

She folded the tiny onesie into a perfect square and placed it on the top of the box and pushed it deep into the closet. She would return the nursery back to the guest room it had been for fifteen years. She’d accepted that she’d never have a baby to fill the room with laughter.

“We can try again,” her husband had pleaded, later on when she said that she was done. That maybe she wasn’t meant to be a mother.

“It doesn’t work like that,” he’d replied. “You don’t get to do everything perfect all the time. Hannah wasn’t some pencil mark that you could just erase with your pencil.”

He had hemmed and hawed for days. Her silence seeming to drive his furious yelling even more. His leaving wasn’t a shock. She almost welcomed it. Welcomed the silence that he left in his wake.

She wasn’t trying to erase Hannah. Hannah could never be erased. Mistakes can be fixed. They can sometimes be corrected. That was all she had done. Corrected a mistake.

Self Motivator

2010-02-18T13:21:00.000-05:00

I am no good at self motivating.

I give myself deadlines and I really do try to meet them. But I am no good at it.

Inspiration for the Day

2010-02-17T09:26:00.001-05:00

"Have a vision. Be demanding."

- Colin Powell

March 18

2010-02-13T07:00:00.001-05:00

That is the date that I gave myself to be finished with my WIP. Not the WIP I have been actively...the other WIP.

I have several WIPs all in different stages of development. Only one of which is finished and in the revision stage {which is not going stellarly may I add}. This WIP is one that is very dear to me and I am very eager to finish it. I would love nothing more than to print the whole thing out and go to town on revising it. But it's not finished. No where near finished actually. There is a part two that I have no idea what is supposed to happen. That needs to get done in the next month. That along with figuring out the ending. This WIP needs plotting something terrible.

When I actually sit down and think about how much work needs to be done on the WIP I feel a little afraid. And by a little..I actually mean alot. I'm terrified of this task. But it's also very exhilirating as well.

I hate it that I get to a point in my manuscript where I feel like I'm stuck. That's just me overthinking what needs to happen. Writing is a process. One that most of the time will not be inspired by some outside force that overtakes my fingers and moves quickly through the manuscript, swifty typing THE END when it's finished. Sometimes writing is a fight for me. I have to push myself because it is not easy.

It's so much easier NOT to write but at some point something inside me breaks down and NEEDS to write. It's bizarre. There is almost a sort of pain in not writing. The voices that refuse to be silenced until the story is down on paper dwell in my head. I'm not crazy. I promise. I know it has to be this way for a lot of writers. Otherwise, who would really sit down and write a novel. Something is driving people to write novels.

I'm trying not to let the desire to be published overshadow my love for words and crafting those words into a story. I can get consumed by the search for agents, publishing houses, etc. But at the end of the day what good is that research if there is no book in hand, no novel to hand lovingly over to someone to critique.

All this to say that my self imposed deadline is MARCH 18, 2010.

Blood, sweat and tears may all be involved in finishing this WIP at one point or another but I'm ready to rumble.

Writing at Home

2010-02-12T10:28:00.000-05:00

I was snowbound for two days in 40+ inches of snow.

And I did not write a single word.

I thought about my writing a lot. Figured out new scenes that I wanted to add to my WIP. Even had dialouge going in my head. But not a word of it was written down. For some reason, I cannot write at home. It's almost impossible. A 4 year old and a 2 year old. Need I say more?

Since I have been in the office this morning, I have written an entire scene and started on part two of my WIP. I guess home is just not conducive to the creative process for me. I think that it's good that I recognize this now. I had been beating myself up for not accomplishing anything on the weekend -- but now I realize that it was because I was at home.

I guess I will be posted up at the library from now on when I need to bang out some words while homebound.

Excerpt

2010-02-08T11:24:00.000-05:00

Below is an excerpt from one of my works in progress. It probably won't stay the same once final edits are complete.

The funeral for Tamara Armstrong was small. Only a handful of people were in attendance since Tammy had made nor kept many friends over the years.

Nanna cried quietly to herself, sitting in the front row of the church listening to a reverend give a eulogy about a woman he didn’t even know. He was simply reciting things Nanna had told him. Jook sat next to Wynn, holding her hand. She had called him not too long after the detectives had come by.

“Jook, I’m sorry. For what I said,” he had told him.

“Don’t even worry about it,” he said and the slate was wiped clean.

They had spent every day together since then. He told her that he wasn’t going to leave her side, even if she begged him to.

The reverend motioned to Wynn. She had volunteered to speak about her mother. She couldn’t let someone who barely knew her talk about her. And that was everyone in the room except her.

She stood and smoothed her skirt. The front of the church seemed miles away, though it was only a mere steps from where she was seated.

“Her favorite color was purple. And Bill Cosby made her laugh. She hated strawberry ice cream and only ate the orange skittles. She loved to dance. She would dance to any kind of music. Country, jazz, anything. I can’t say a whole lot about her. But I can say that I wished she had more time to get things together. Everyone says it’s too soon when someone they love dies, but for my mother, it really was too soon.”

Wynn could hear Nanna sobbing into her hands, her eyes closed.

“That’s all,” Wynn said, walking away from the podium.

The casket was open and Wynn could see the side of her mother’s face from where she sat. She finally looked like she was relieved. Maybe life had been too much for her. Wynn couldn’t blame her. But she knew she wouldn’t make the same mistakes her mother had.

Her mother had known something she hadn’t when she made her kill the babies she was carrying. She had known what having a baby like that could do to your life. She hadn’t wanted Wynn to turn into her. It was twisted, but that was love.

Reading is Fundemental

2010-02-05T11:41:00.000-05:00

Finished the books on my list. Moving on to Before I Forget by Leonard Pitts.

Writing has been slow. I resubmitted a short story at the editors request. I began another short story. Got about two pages into that. Read through some old story ideas and got majorly inspired. Can't remember why I stopped working on most of those story ideas. They are brilliant!

Still want to focus on editing my finished first draft before I move on. Plans are to work on that this weekend since we will be snowed in. 21 inches. Not ready.

The Intrusion of Life

2010-02-03T10:38:00.000-05:00

I wrote a short story yesterday. Well, most of a short story. I got to the end and I didn't know where I was going with it or how to finsih it. I placed it in my file on my jump drive, like I do with all my other unfinished shorts and moved on.

I've opened my 2nd draft many times over the past few days but I haven't been able to add any more than a few sentences at a time.

I hate that I only write when inspiration hits me versus making it a habit. Makes me think that if I ever got a contract and was working on a deadline -- would I make it??? I give myself deadlines all the time, but since there is nothing at stake {besides my own disappointment} they never mean that much to me. They come and go. I may frown momentairly and make a new one but I lose nothing. But time.

And I think that's the thing I am realizing now. Time is wasting.

Yesterday, life offered me a HUGE, GINORMOUS blow. One that I am still trying to stand up from. Honestly, the last thing on my mind is writing. I'm just trying to survive. But then I take a step back and think for a minute. When is life NOT going to be happening? Do I wait until my life is perfect to sit down and write? If anything, what I'm going through now should motivate me even more to succeed. If for nothing else but my own sanity and happiness.

Writing a novel is crazy really. You spend years shining up your words that someone may or may not like. Or may or may not publish. But it's been something I wanted since I was a little girl. It is engraved upon my heart to write and write I will. Even through these hard times and the transition that we are about to make. I will write because for me, it's become the only constant in my life.

Reading = Writing

2010-02-02T07:22:00.000-05:00

Well for me anyway.

Sometimes my brain shuts down when I focus on my own writing for too long. I have always found it helpful to take a siesta and read the work of other authors. Reading other fiction always seems to bring my imagination to life and really jumpstart my brain to be able to continue to work on my own projects.

I have decided that I want to read at least two books a month {I know that goal is small, but very doable} and I am well aware that I could exceed that goal. This goal excites me because I really do love to read, but since I have begun editing my draft, it has fallen far by the wayside.

Right now I'm reading:

The Birthing House - Christopher Ransom
The Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards
The Girl Who Fell From the Sky - Heidi Durrow

I hate to admit it

2010-02-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

I hate to admit it.

This weekend got away from me. Which isn't to say that I didn't get anything accomplished. I did a ton of things that absolutely had to be done. Grocery shopping, grooming of the children, grooming of myself, feeding said children and myself. 4th birthday party extravaganza. Which included baking a cake, stuffing goody bags and all other sorts of party tasks. All neccessities.

One thing that did not get done, however, was my lofty writing plans for the weekend. I barely had time to sleep, let alone write.

I am ashamed. Especially since I gave myself a goal of the end February to have Part 1 of my second draft finished. That's a measly 27 days away (not counting today). And I'm up to chapter 4. So yeah, that goal is out the window.

I would like to blame my 7 day stint in the hospital (goodbye, gallbladder) as the reason that I have fallen so far off the wagon. I was on a roll before the excruciating pains rocked me. I haven't been able to recapute the vigor that I had the first week of Janurary.

Ok, ok. No more excuses. I'm on it this week.

I did however, submit a short story to an online literary mag. That's gotta count for something. Right?

Weekend Writing Plans

2010-01-29T15:55:00.000-05:00

Project: PJ - Second Draft

Finish writing current scene and move on
Read next chapter in first draft and rewrite chapter for second draft
Plot middle of story
Determine minor character's story line moving forward

I think these is an accomplishable goal. We'll see how I do on Monday.

Emotional

2010-01-29T13:06:00.000-05:00

As a place that I go to document my writing endeavors, I sometimes find myself emotional without an outlet for what I'm feeling. I want this to be the place I go to periodically do so.

So today I am emotional. And when I'm emotional, I write.

remove me from the place

where my fears overtake me

and I lose control

spiraling like a downed plane

shooting across the sky

open my eyes to the realization

that life goes on

and tears dry

however slowly they may

fly me away and rescue me

from the damning feelings

of apathy and failure

shelter me from myself

and protect me from pain

renew in me a new heart

Doing a lot of thinking...

2010-01-29T11:09:00.000-05:00

I was telling a friend yesterday that I was doing a whole lot of thinking and not much writing. To my defense, I have two small children and a traveling husband.

No excuses.

This weekend will be one where I work on my second draft and actually turn out some pages. I'm moving on to a scene that's particularly heavy that I don't believe I dealt with correctly in the first draft. It's topic is death and I'm going to have to really plunge into it emotionally to get it right.

Not Being Capricious About It

2010-01-28T07:24:00.000-05:00

4:24p

I didn't write at all today. I didn't even pull up my WIP on my computer. I was too distracted by the horrible scene I had just written. It was/is driving me crazy. When I think of my WIP I keep fixating on that scene.

Why don't I just delete it?

I have discovered that the things that suck may very well have a few gems stuck in there somewhere. I have been known for deleting things capriciously and then being upset about it later.

My problem is that I'm driving but I have no idea where I'm going. I haven't plotted far enough to write the scene. So my goal for tomorrow is to plot that particular part of the novel out so that I know which direction I'm going.

It will all make sense eventually.

I wish I could

2010-01-27T07:41:00.001-05:00

There are times when I wish I could blow off everything else and focus on writing. These moods don't come often but when they do, I wish I could follow the whim and actually get some solid writing done when I feel the urge.

At this present time, I can't blow off everything and focus on writing. But thoughts are churning in my head and I'm making mental notes for later.

I have gone back to a project that I started about 3 years ago and I am editing. Awhile ago I had an ephiphany about this particular project. I had stalled in it and I had no where to go. Everytime I picked it up I got more and more frustrated. The last time I picked it up I realized something that I had failed to recognize about it for the past year and a half that it had been sitting on my flash drive.

IT WAS FINISHED! THE FIRST DRAFT WAS DONE!

But in my disappointment at the disarray of the project, I didn't realize it was finished.

And that's just the thing about first drafts that I now realize. They are horrible and sloppy and disjointed. At times they make no sense and things don't fit together in a nice neat package. That's what a first draft is all about. How did I not recognize this fact a year and a half ago?

Time aside. I know now and I have been fervently {sorta} revising, editing, chopping, adding to this draft. I am so excited to have a first draft done that I don't even know what to do with myself.

The funny thing about the edits that I'm making is that they will change the entire story. Only the very basic premise is staying the same and I have to admit that I'm loving how the characters I created 3 years ago are taking on a life of their own. They are surprising me in ways that I didn't expect and the story is evolving nicely.

I have learned a ton about plot and characters {which I will share at a later date} that has helped me to redefine alot of what had already gone into the story. I'm realizing what's important and what's not. By no means am I a planner when it comes to writing, but now that the first draft is complete, the planning stage is in full effect. I have to plan. I have to know where to take this story and how to put it on the next level.

This really is an exciting time for me because I can see the end effect. I can imagine a fully finished, polished manuscript in my hands. As excited as I am about this stage, I cannot wait until it's time for me to send it out to some agents and see what this baby can do!

Back and ready to write

2010-01-26T09:34:00.000-05:00

Writing is one of those things that is always on my mind regardless of if I have the time to do it or not. I carry around my flash drive with my writing on it in my pocket and I hold on to it as I walk through the city. I write scenes in my head as I shower or cook dinner. I create dialogue between my characters as I ride the train into work and back home again. Even if nothing is getting down onto paper, I am writing.

Yesterday I submitted one of my short stories to an online literary magazine. For years I have been terrified for anyone to read my work outside of my close friends. All of whom I knew would tell me they liked the piece (regardless of it was any good or not). I am just now realizing that by doing so, I have been limiting myself and setting myself up for failure. I value the opinions of my friends beyond any realm of understanding, but I need to know if my work sinks or swims with the best of them. I need to know if this passion of mine should continue or if I should pack my flash drive up and lay it to rest. The only way I can do that is to send it out into the world.

Even if my short story gets rejected, I will not stop writing. That's not what I'm saying at all, but talent is learned and fostered. I would feel the need to take a step back and learn the craft before I would submit anything again. I need to do that anyway.

I am at a point where I am ready to write and share it with the world. So share I will.

Missing

2009-12-15T09:15:00.000-05:00

I have realized what's missing in my writing. Why I haven't been able to connect fully to my characters and thus my story. There is a disconnect between those two things when I read back over my work. It just clicked for me.

The emotional level that makes characters feel real is what I'm missing. THe story I'm working on now is extremely personal and I think my own disconnect with my own feelings isn't allowing me to fully explore my characters feelings. This is a problem I'm going to need to delve way deeper into.

Layers

2009-12-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

I have noticed this more than once in my writing. It tends to be one dimensional. Some characters never go below to surface. In one of my wips, I'm trying extremely hard to add layers and dimension to my characters. I recognize that this (Well, for me anyway) is what draws the reader into the story. The plot is important, yes, but if my charcaters grab hold of the reader's heart, then I've done my job well.

Layers aren't just about the psyche of the character, though this is important too, but it's about relationships with other characters, how the main character view themselves and the world, etc. It's so much more than just description and dialouge, which has been my main modes character development in the past.

With my current wip, I have created a character that I know has many layers and connections. My job is to use all of those to advance the plot as well as develop her and the other characters. I know that in this first draft, I haven't quite written her as well as I can, that part I will leave to editing.

But discovering layering (totally new concept to me) has gotten me excited about writing my character. I have her whole story in my head and I can't wait to get it down on paper.

Commitment Issues

2009-12-04T08:13:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is with me but I cannot to commit to one manuscript. I am hopping back and forth like I have all the time in the world to spend with each of them. And at the end of the day, I write one sentence, one paragraph, get one idea for each of them. But not completing anything.

This is hindering my progress but I can't stop. It's totally sabotaging me!

writer NOT turning pages

2009-12-03T11:59:00.000-05:00

Besides the pages of other people's books that is. The one thing I have been doing is reading.

It's not that I'm in a rut. I have a ton of ideas. I just sat down and mapped out a brand spanking new idea I just had about the Black elite. I'm so not ready to tackle that one right now. Just rounded up some resources so that I can do some research and decide if this is a project I really want to get into at some point.

My work in progress is not in progress at the moment. I failed on the Nanowrimo front, only clocking a few thousand words over 20,000. But I still want to finish. I'm at the point where I have to push myself and the words aren't coming easily. That's always the toughest part for me. I keep telling myself that as long as I get through it, editing will be my saving grace. If I get through it.

I'm sure every writer faces what I'm facing at one time or another. I'm truly doubting my ability as a story teller. Thoughts keep cropping up in my head to discourage me. Maybe I'm not that great of a writer. Maybe I'm not meant to write. Maybe I should just stop.

I try to banish those thoughts from my head, but my reality is that they live there. They will not be evicted and they have unpacked and settled in. I have always struggled with these types of thoughts, but more so lately than ever before.

I have finally made the decision to return to school and get my Master's in Publication Management. It's something that I know I will be passionate about and can't wait to do. So maybe I put my novel writing aspirations on hold and try my hand at making other unpublished novelists' dreams come true.

I can return to my own dreams to be published eventually. I'm not going to stop writing by any means. Writing is like breating. But I think I won't press myself so hard to publish a novel just yet.

End of Day 6 - Big Fat Fail

2009-11-06T16:02:00.002-05:00

So I wrote a measley 178 words today. I got stuck and I couldn't pull myself out of it today.

I have some serious plotting to do this weekend to try to figure out where I need to go with the story. That's where my main issues lies. You can't drive to a specific destination with out a map. Well, I can't anyway.

Good thing I wrote a large chunk yesterday...

Day 6 - Nanowrimo - Let's do it again

2009-11-06T08:13:00.000-05:00

So my goal today is to have a repeat of yesterday. I'm going to once again shoot for 1,000 words and hope for 2,000.

My plot is coming together, but I'm struggling with exactly what should happen when. I'm in the middle{ish} part of my story and this is the part where details really matter. When it's the small things and the details and the dialogue that keeps the story flowing. I always have problems with the middle.

So to combat that, I'm starting a new document and pretending like the middle is the beginning. If I can psych myself out that way, I'm hoping that the middle will be a breeze. I know what's going to happen so writing what's going to happen should be easy, right?

Right?

I sure hope so.

End of Day 5 - Nanowrimo - I SMASHED it!

2009-11-05T16:12:00.000-05:00

My goal was 1,000 words. A lofty goal since I did a little over 600 words yesterday. So I sat down to write today and the words just kept coming. All 2,590 of them!

Yes, that's right. 2,590 words today.

And its good. Most of it's good. Hey, it's a frist draft. What do you expect.

After writing the scene I started working on yesterday, I sent this email to my best friend:

From: *me*
Sent: Thursday, November 05, 2009 11:25 AM

To: *her*
Subject: writing

ok so i was writing this really tense, emotionally fueled scene and i was literally shaking and my heart was pounding like it was actually happening to me. That has never happened to me before! it was so crazy. after i was finished i couldnt calm down and get my hands to stop shaking. They just stopped! and I'm still really emotional about it! It was far too short and I know im going to have to go back and add some detail but when i was writing it i took a break and then was like i have to finish this now or i'm going to have a panic attack! so i just hurried up and finished. man, that was so crazy.

And it was the craziest experience I've had to date with writing. But it was refreshing to know that my characters hold that kind of power. Hopefully it translates to the reader!

Day 5- Nanowrimo - Trying Not to Reread

2009-11-05T09:15:00.000-05:00

This morning I am trying not to reread any of the words I have written so far. Besides the last two paragraphs before where I am beginning to work on today.

I have been known to reread my work and get stuck. I'm certain this wouldn't happen with this work, but this is what usually happens and I don't want to run that risk. My goal for today is 1,000 words. I'm in a bit of a loss as to how I want this next scene to occur.

I don't want to think too much, as that's what usually gets me in trouble.

Also I have a confession:

I laid in bed last night at 8:30pm, after I had put the girls to bed and willed myself to get the computer and bang out a few words. I fell asleep at 8:45.

Due to unforseen circumstances that I didn't know I was going to be dealing with when I signed up for Nanowrimo, I am absolutely unable to stay up past 9:30 {if I even ever make it to 9:30}. It's not my fault. But that said, I am not going to let my lack of being able to stay up at night into an excuse as to why this novel doesn't get finished.

If there are daylight hours, I will be writing.

End of Day 4

2009-11-04T16:02:00.000-05:00

And my word count is up from 15,115 to 15,742. 627 words. I know that's not much but that's pretty good for me. I'm going to try to up the words per day, though, because I really want to get this finished and begin the editing process. I'm not being obsessive about going back and rereading or changing things already written. I'm just plowing through.

I'm at a pretty pivotal point in the story where a major secret is about to be revealed. I'm just not sure how it's going to play out because one particular character is extremely volitile. This makes for fun, easy writing.

I can't wait to get through this scene. It's all really coming together.

Day 4 - Nanowrimo - Realizations

2009-11-04T09:27:00.000-05:00

I realized something pretty amazing about my writing since I begain Nanowrimo a few days ago. I have found my voice. It's authentic and it's 100% me which makes writing so much easier.

I had the realization of why it was so hard for me to finish anything I started. This was my process:

I would read an excellent book, my creative juices would flow and I would begin writing. But the writing wouldn't be in my voice. It would be in the voice of whatever I had just read. The problem with this was that once time passed and I forgot the intricacies of the voice, I would get stalled in my project. I couldn't continue because what I would try to write didn't fit with what I had already written.

And this cycle has continued for years.

My current project is in my voice. The story came to me one day without any outside inspiration and I have been able to write 15,115 words in my own voice. And that is why I am so confident that I will finish this novel.

I have realized that it's not a bad thing to garner inspiration from other writers but I have learned that I can't use someone elses voice to convey my story. Imitation is flattering, but it also makes it really hard to write a novel!

Day 3 - Nanowrimo

2009-11-03T15:55:00.000-05:00

I'm up to over 15,000 words already. And I finished a scene that I have been struggling with for the last month and a half. It's a huge weight off my shoulders and now I have to go back and write what happens before that scene. I actually did begin writing the scene today and it took a surprising turn. I know what I want to happen in my head, but the characters went a totally different way than I was originally planning and it all worked out. So far. The scene isn't done.

I realized that some of my major characters aren't named yet. Is that odd? Their names aren't terribly important to their character since one of the characters doesn't last too long in the story even though he is pretty important to the plot.

I'm trying to focus on just getting the story down on paper versus making sure my writing is superb as I did when I first began to write. I'm realizing that that's what editing is for.

I'm not sure if it's Nanowrimo or the encouragement of my best friend {who is also participating in Nanowrimo} but I am really feeling like finishing my novel this month is an obtainable goal. I'm really pumped at the thought that at the end of this month I can proudly type The End.

12,616

2009-10-28T09:06:00.000-04:00

I have officially signed up for nanowrimo. I'm going to do it.

Something happened on Monday that pretty much made the decision for me. I can't discuss what that thing is quite yet, but it's major and November will probably be my only chance to bang the words out onto paper. I'm going to push myself and make sure that at the end of November I can confidently type THE END at the end of my manuscript.

I can't wait to get started. Sunday is November 1 and I'm ready to rumble.

Oh yes, 12,616 is the number of words I've already written. My goal is between 50-70,000 when I am finished.

Wish me luck!

Getting Old

2009-10-26T17:28:00.000-04:00

This has gotten old to me. The excuses I keep throwing at myself as to why I'm not writing. If i wanted to write, I'd write, right? Why does it have to be so hard for me to just get the story out.

I keep hopping from project to project, losing myself a little as I jump back and forth. My thoughts get jumbled and I realize that I'm making no progress on any thing by doing this. Though my ultimate goal really is to just finish something!

But the truth is this: I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of finishing and it sucking.

I'm terrified that I love it but everyone else hates it.

I'm terrified that I won't be able to find a agent to represent me. Or a publisher to publish me.

I'm terrified that I'm terrible.

I know these fears aren't logical. I should just worry about my art now and figure out the rest later. I have writer friends who are able to do this no problem and actually finish things. Why is it so hard for me?

Next month is National Novel Writing Month {nanowrimo, for short, although that's not particularly short}. The goal is basically to write a novel in a month. I have toyed around with doing this for a few years, but have always known that I wouldn't be able to commit. Maybe I will choose one work-in-progress and focus on finishing it in the month of November. I know this is an extreme way to begin or finish a novel, but whatever gets it done, right?

I need motivation and hopefully nanowrimo will do the trick.

Pushing me towards the finish line

2009-10-20T15:25:00.000-04:00

I just read this great article by author, Junot Diaz telling the story of when he first recognized himself as a writer. It was both painful and inspiring to read. Painful because I have been in the same place he was and inspiring because he came through and is now a Pulitzer Prize winner thanks to his determination.

I have been feeling the pull to write and for so long the words that have poured out of me have been mediorce at best. Sometimes worse than mediocre. Just pure garbage. And other times, the words I write are magical, like I have been possessed by someone who has legit talent.

I'm at a standstill right now with my writing. My mind constantly on it, but unable to articulate a single coherent thing.

There is tomorrow. It may take me a decade, as it did Junot Diaz, but I will finish. Hopefully there will be a Pulitzer waiting for me at the finish line.

Focus

2009-10-19T14:12:00.000-04:00

That seems to be the one thing I am missing. I just inserted my jump drive into my computer, eager to write something. Anything. But as I pulled up unfinished project after unfinished project, I began to lose focus. No wonder I cannot concentrate on anything. Everything is there. All the unended stories are crying for attention. There are two that I really want to focus on in the novel length department. And over on the short story side, there was definitely one that begs to be finished.

When you have more than one project going on, how do you decide which one to work on?

My stories are all in different stages. But they are all pretty much in the embryo stage. They are ideas that haven't quite matured yet, but I love them like they have already been born.

It tends to become quite frustrating to me to have such wonderful projects in progress, but to become overwhelmed by the sheer amount of undeveloped drafts that I have.

So I guess my goal is to find one that I want to focus on. And I think I know exactly where I'm going to start. Off to it I go.

Horoscope

2009-10-13T08:34:00.003-04:00

This is my horoscope for today. I sure hope this comes true:

If you've been striving for success in the fields of writing, speaking or publishing, dear Virgo, you have the chance to get a real breakthrough today. A large sum of money, or an opportunity to earn it in one of these fields, might come your way, and you'll definitely want to take advantage of it. Legal papers such as contracts may be involved. This definitely boosts your ego, your mood, and your motivation.

Horoscope

2009-10-13T08:34:00.001-04:00

I'm Published!!!!

2009-10-01T13:16:00.001-04:00

Check out my very first published story here: http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/every-thursday.html

30 minutes a day

2009-10-01T13:15:00.000-04:00

I have decided that I am going to committ 30 minutes a day to working on my novel. It's a relatively small block of time. Something I could certainly stick with.

The point of it is just so that I can be consistent with my writing and that SOMETHING is getting done everyday.

Chick What?

2009-09-29T10:08:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong. I've read plently of great Chick Lit in my day and have even aspired to write a great Chick Lit novel {that one hasn't gotten past page 30} but I think I may have out grown it.

I recently checked out two Chick Lit books from my local library and went home to devour them, being as I hadn't read anything in a long while. I opened the first one and read the first sentence. Yawn. What happened to the days of great hooks? So I finished the prologue and it didn't interest me at all. So I stuff the second book in my purse for a good train read. I've been reading that one and boy it is so hard to get through.

The writing isn't bad, but I'm discovering that I tend to like to read books with a tad bit more substance. Chick Lit def has it's place in the market and I respect it to the fullest. But right now I need something gritty. Something that makes me grasp my pearls at the prose. I love great prose. I'm looking for a great book with great prose and a great story.

I'm a Literary Fiction person myself. I'd even settle for mainstream right about now. I have Carleen Brice's Children of the Water on hold at my local library and I cannot wait to dig into it.

Chick Lit is great, but it's not what I'm looking for right now.

Sick to My Stomach

2009-09-25T16:07:00.000-04:00

So I've finally sat down and mapped out the course of my work in progress.

There is a portion of the book {subject matter} that makes me sick to my stomach. It's something hard to write about. Hard to imagine anyone going through. Yet I'm trying to put myself in the character's place and write as if I myself had experienced the very thing.

I'm finding it very difficult, not having had this experience first hand. I'm going to need to do a lot of research so that I can make sure that reactions, emotions and attitudes towards it is real.

This is not an easy one. Not by far. But I feel like if I'm going to write this story, I have to write it authentically.

Think Through

2009-09-25T15:15:00.000-04:00

The problem that I have as a writer is that I don't think through my ideas nearly as much as I should. My characters always drive me when I begin a new piece. But at a certain point, the character slams on the breaks, puts it in park, climbs out of the driver's seat and into the passenger seat. They look at me expectantly. It's my turn to take over. It's my turn to drive.

This is usually the point where I press that little red "x" at the top right hand corner of the document and say goodnight.

I can't get past that point. And it's been plaguing me for quite sometime that I can never get my stories past a certain point.

And up until this point I have always sent my stories or works in progess to my friends. Yeah. My friends. Who will most often than not tell me that it's good. They do usually tell me when something just needs to hit the shredder, but I have never had a person that I didn't know, read my words and give me positive feedback.

Well, that has happened today. And it feels good that someone besides my friends like what I have written. It gives me hope that these words that I'm struggling with right now might be liked by other people. I'm really encouraged to keep writing, to pursue my dreams and to get my butt back in school.

Today has been a really great day. A day of realizations and a day that I will probably remember for a very long time.

Stumped

2009-09-25T15:03:00.000-04:00

I'm stumped.

I hate it when I feel this way. Like I have the story in my head but the words I'm typing aren't coming out the way I see them in my head.

It's like watching a movie but not being able to describe what you saw on screen. It's frustrating.

I got some exciting news today that may be taking my focus away from the picture in my head. But that news made me even more eager to continue writing, to finish and to finish strong.

So I'm going to get back to it.

Long Time Coming

2009-09-24T13:45:00.000-04:00

I can't really say that I have been really serious about this whole writing thing. Writing is in me. It's what I do. It's always been a part of me and if I have my way, it always will be. But I haven't been serious about it because so many more things in my life were more serious than writing.

Writing was the thing that could always be put off, picked up later, forgotten and then remembered again. These days, writing is on my mind constantly. If I'm doing one thing, I'd rather be writing. Not to say that the words always come quickly to me, but if words are flowing from me then I'm feeling a calm that can only come from writing.

I printed out my work in progress. It's a meager 11,742 words. A measley 22 pages. But, boy, are those pages filled with a story that really leaps off the page at me. I'm proud of what I've written so far and it's really good.

I know that I've started and stopped so many projects out of fear of what will happen when I finish. What if no one likes it? What if I can't get it published? What if no one wants to hear the story I have to tell? I've been afraid of rejection for as long as I can remember when it comes to my writing.

I need constant validation to continue, to push forward, to finish. This one, I'm not sharing with a soul until I type those two three letter words at the end of my manuscript. The End. Until then, I'm going to be the one that's providing my motivation, my validation, my perserverance.

It's about time that I finish. It's been a long time coming.

here and now

2009-09-21T11:47:00.002-04:00

right now today i am so overwhelmed with the sense of being a writer and being able to express the ideas that have laid dormant in my head for quite some time. i'm not able to write like i would love to, but there is something about seeing the words flow from my head that excites me.

my goals will be reached.

Waiting

2009-09-16T09:28:00.000-04:00

The last few days for me have been very emotional. I had a purging of my soul and my emotions and I am still in the same place I started. Things are not supposed to be confusing. They are supposed to be easy and I am supposed to know what to do.

I've been trying to channel all this emotional energy into my writing. Into my work-in-progress in particular. I've gotten a bit down on paper, skipping to the more emotionally fueled scenes in order to take advantage of my own state of mind right now. It seems to be working so far.

time is up

2009-09-14T15:58:00.000-04:00

make it right
sorry doesnt
make it right
im following my head this time
my heart a lousy guide
im forgetting love
it never wins
and nor does it ever fade
my time is done
and it doesnt fail
to show me the truth
im not quite ready
but time doesnt care
losing the seconds
and the minutes
and the hours
its over now
time is up

follow me

2009-09-14T15:56:00.000-04:00

follow me
away from here
just u and i
and that gentle breeze
caressing my soul
easing the burden
of betrayl and hurt
on an island of love
just u and i
and the memory of happiness
the water lapping at my toes
washing away things
only my heart knows
refuse to mention
those two things
and forget how we got
where we are
the sounds of the ocean
drowning out the cries
and the agony
of what was left behind
here i sit
and there u are
all of it a mirage
a daydream of what
will never ever be
you cannot follow me

open door

2009-09-14T15:52:00.000-04:00

too much for me to bear
i walk away
my heart tucked away
safely beneath my breast
not unwounded by this love
this love that cannot be
removed from my spirit
fingerprints that touched me
and pretend that i never loved
and never knew
i was loved
it isnt enough
and it isnt right
so i settle for whats already mine
and forget what i felt before
holding on is hurting me
the door is open
my feet long to move
im tired and aching
sad and lonley
but i walk
through the open door

Outside

2009-09-14T15:47:00.000-04:00

outside my realm of comfort
aching to be set free

needing to taste the saltiness of my tears as the flow down my face and dry in salty rivers
providing me with nothing but an emptiness of spirit and a head full of pain
making me wonder the worth of pain
my soul sighs and lashes out at the agony of this
heart aches like nothing ever felt
removing myself from this situation of sadness
and allowing it to be what it needs to be without me

moving on so it can move past
dividing my soul from that of which belongs somewhere else
i cannot keep what is not mine to have and hold
tears drown me and hold me under
words have no meanings and the breeze no longer refreshing

the death of love that was never mine rots
reminding me the cost of a stolen heart
and what love is not

2009-09-14T15:39:00.000-04:00

empty and broken
tears that refuse to dry
emotional and shaken
heart releases a sigh

tired and weary
brought on by myself
unwanted and ugly
broken loss of wealth

forlorn and unwelcoming
protecting my heart
shattered and misty
done with my part

One last cry

2009-09-14T15:34:00.000-04:00

right now i want nothing more than to lay down and cry until i cant cry anymore to open the floodgates and bleed the tears that ive pushed so deep that they are aching in my belly overflowing and drenching my soul with a sadness that i've never felt and its more than wrong its more than horribly selfish but there is nothing in me that wants to see it happen and it will its going to it has to and im left with something great something more than amazing that i should be estatic to have so why am i feeling the tears well up in my throat blocking out any words that would make sense and frustrating everyone around me who listens and at the end of the day all i really want to say is im done

im done

im done

but im not done will probably never be done but that can be my own little secret no one has to know that inside the tears will remain and the tears run deep and the tears never fade no one needs to know that im not over it that its not my last cry that im sick over this and that the smile thats plastered on my face isnt real and this laugh isnt real and this attitude it isnt really real none of it is real because i dont know how to be real anymore because i want to be done

i want to be done

i want to be done

but im not done and im probably never going to be done and that is surely written all over my face that something is brewing below the surface that my one last cry is always showing in my eyes the tears that arent meant to cleanse theyre meant to hurt to sting to scar my very soul and i beg to be done

i beg to be done

i beg to be done

Sooner or Later I'm Going to Get There...

2009-09-09T15:18:00.001-04:00

3:13p

They seemed to be staring at the dark, but their eyes were watching God --- Zora Neale Hurston

That has to be my favorite quote from a book. I love Zora Neale Hurston. If there is one writer who I want to be like when I grow up, it's Zora. And yes, Zora and I are on a first name basis.

However, there is something about Zora that I do not wish to emulate. I would love to have some success in this life, while I'm still here. Versus having the world sing my praises after I'm already gone. Not that that's a bad thing. It's pretty incredible. I honestly believe that she's somewhere watching the world love her.

I'm getting started pretty late with the writing thing. I'm 26, over halfway to 30. I know it's never to late to begin writing, but isn't sooner better than later?

Blocked

2009-09-03T09:57:00.000-04:00

Life is blocking me. How can I create this realistic fictional world where the characters jump off the page when life is blocking me. I can't get from under these crazy feelings and circumstances long enough to think a clear thought, much less begin to work on something that I feel is worthy of publishing.

I feel a scream beginning in the pit of my stomach. I need to let it out.

Come back

2009-09-02T15:58:00.000-04:00

I haven't written anything on my current work in progress in almost a week. It's as if whatever was driving me to write that story suddenly decided to depart, no warning or backward glance. It just crept away while I slept. And when I awoke, looked for it, expecting it to be lying on the pillow beside me, it was gone.

Please come back...

A Letter to Writer's Block

2009-08-31T16:14:00.000-04:00

I wrote this letter to writer's block about a year ago. Last summer, I must have been having the same issue as I'm having now. The words just won't come. That wouldn't so much be a problem if I actually had the framework, but not even that is in place. Here is the anger I vented to writer's block back in June of 2008:

Dear Sir:

So much I want to do so much I want to say but having a hard time getting it from my mind to paper to preserve the idea in its original context to convey the thoughts as they come no I can’t get it out from beneath this gray cloud of uncertainty and doubt that’s been flowing uncontrollably through my life these past few weeks moving forward to new destinations and spaces unexplored into a realm of being that is so uncertain that it scares me to the core not allowing me to release what’s crying to flow from my mind to my fingertips to the paper and beyond to make into the superstar that I know that I am but am unable to translate into words that move those who read to tears or laughter or frustration or sheer and utter disgust at the actions of those whose life I yearn to weave like yarn into a blanket of words sentences and paragraphs that make it onto best sellers lists and bookshelves across the world and into the hearts of those who identify but staring me in my face is an empty page of wordless thoughts culminating themselves into a ball of gray that my mind cannot bounce from its prominent spot in my head so that I can concentrate on goals and dreams and not going crazy from the thought of not finishing something that I started so it is in this one large breath that I demand from whatever it is that controls writer’s block that I be released from the manacles of oppression and be freed to the ocean of creativity that once flowed over me

yours truly,

One Day at a Time

2009-08-31T15:28:00.000-04:00

I have always written. It has always been in me to create, to compose, to construct and string words together to bring a story to life. Words are like air for me. If I'm not writing, I always feel like something is missing. Like I've lost a lung and am only getting half the air I really need to survive.

My goal is to be published

Right now it's one day at a time. Because as a mother to two beautiful toddlers and working full time, the last thing I have time for is pen and paper. But writing is no longer an option, it's mandatory.